haveyoulustin-forher asked: I found this one guy who's super ambitious and smart. He's cuteish and has nice style, totally someone I would go for. He knows my brother and my brother likes him and thinks he's a good guy. But then it comes out that he's jewish. Just my luck.Why do Jewish people only date other jewish people?? frustrating.

Disclaimer: this kind of struck a nerve, and I’m sure that was not your intent, but I’m having a hard time figuring out what to say and how sensitively to say it (e.g. my first instinct was to just say “the holocaust” but I realize that will accomplish nothing).  I am open to feedback and editing this (or removing it) if I completely miss the mark.

So I’m not sure if you want me to commiserate (like, womp - there’s a boy you like who it sounds like won’t date you — although you didn’t really make that clear), if you want me to make a joke (hey, one day you’ll find your Prince Charming and at least he won’t have a giant nose and back hair), or if you want me to actually explain why intra-dating of any race/religion/ethnicity, not just Jewish people, is so prevalent (I’m not a sociologist so I’d have to find a good Wikipedia article).

And I don’t know if I should mention the flip side — i.e. how heated any-race/religion/ethnicity women get when “their” men date not-their-race/religion/ethnicity women — and how it’s not fair to have a double standard.  For example if a Blue girl has ever gotten upset at Blue guys for having a so-called “Purple fetish,” and then that Blue girl finds herself with a crush on a Green guy, she can’t logically also get mad at him if he only dates Green girls.  Since she essentially only wants Blue guys to date Blue girls, but Green guys to also date Blue girls, she’s hypocritically endorsing and denouncing intra-crayola-color dating.  And being selfish.  Sure it’s frustrating if you think you’re getting the short end of the stick, but in my limited experience, I’ve observed people being unfairly inconsistent.  Furthermore, if you’re a Blue girl would you go up to a Purple or Green girl and ask her what’s up with all of this?  Would you think she should answer for it?  Seems like some heavy shit.  Personally I think all of the permutations are so common, and I’ve experienced all sides of it (intra- and inter-, accepted and not accepted), that I just think…  I don’t know what I think.  But I’m not particularly frustrated about it, and I’m not a sociologist, so I’m not going to answer the “why” part on the whole.  I have some ideas in particular about Jews, but I resent being singled out when it’s not just Jews.  (And let’s not open the Judaism-as-a-religion vs. -race vs. -ethnicity vs. -culture can of worms, please.  I don’t have the energy.)

Also there’s the fact that not all Jewish people only date other Jewish people, which some people embrace and some people shun.  There’s a school of thought about inter-marriage and the Jewish culture washing out completely… which is something I think I rambled about a long time ago.

And I’m not sure if I should point out that “just my luck” and “frustrating” are not the things I’d jump to think that a hetero white girl would feel in this situation.  I think anyone who grew up with a different perspective — that of a Jew, or any strongly-identifying-but-tiny minority — would probably think that the non-Jew has it easier here.  Jews are only a fraction of a percent of the world, and if maybe half of them won’t date non-Jews, I don’t think the ginormous size of the leftover pool is that bad for the hetero white female to date.  I feel like I’d be done with this whole saga by now if I didn’t have so much familial/cultural pressure hanging on such a limiting factor, so be glad your sea of fish is the bigger one (although I’m not complaining — NYC is the mecca, and I do sometimes date non-Jews).  And I think your average non-Jewish white female is pretty lucky that she’s probably not missing the majority of the branches of her family tree (I assume).  So… I dunno, count your blessings?

EDIT: Also, the “but then it comes out that he’s Jewish” part makes it sound like a disease.  -___-